The college
years are an exciting and stimulating time in the lives of
students, a time of significant change for new students and
their parents. In addition to preparing for a professional
career, students face numerous challenges and opportunities
to learn about themselves and the world around them. During
this time, students make important life decisions, develop
their personal and professional identities, interests and
values, and evolve from adolescence to adulthood. This guide
is intended to assist new students and their parents in anticipating,
discussing, and successfully navigating their way through
the college years.
In
the beginning…
Even
before the first semester begins, it is important for parents
and their soon-to-be college students to discuss a variety
of topics in order to facilitate this transition. Whether
the student will be living in a residence hall or an apartment,
or commuting from their parents' home, it is helpful to have
frank discussions about such issues as:
- Finances
(e.g. applying for scholarships and loans; who will be responsible
for tuition, room and board, text books, other living expenses;
will the student be expected to work part-time). USF's Financial Aid Office may be helpful in anticipating
costs and seeking various forms of financial assistance.
- Academic
expectations.
- Communication
and visitation (telephone calls, visits to campus, visits home, e-mail; how
much information do parents expect regarding course work,
social life).
- Social
activities.
- Transportation
(will the student have a bicycle and/or car on campus, how
will he or she visit home during the semester).
Arriving
and settling in…
Students
quickly realize that they have entered a world very different
from the one they have left behind. While it can be very exciting,
fulfilling, and filled with wonderful opportunities, a period
of psychological, emotional, social, and academic adjustment
is a natural part of this transition. Students are likely
to confront many challenges as they arrive and settle into
the routine of university life.
- Leaving
familiar territory and traditions. Students leave behind family, friends - possibly a boyfriend
or girlfriend, familiar places and customs, and familiar
rules.
- Managing
new freedoms and responsibilities. Greater
freedom requires greater personal responsibility. In the
absence of daily parental oversight, students living in
an apartment or residence hall must be fully responsible
for waking up and getting to class on time, deciding when
to study and when to socialize, when and what to eat, when
to come home at night and when to go to bed, managing their
money, doing their own laundry, and making daily decisions
regarding their academic and social behaviors.
- Changing
relationships with parents and family. With
greater independence and less frequent contact, the parent-child
relationship may evolve into an adult-to-adult, rather than
adult-to-child, relationship. This creates both challenges
and opportunities for relationship growth for students and
their parents. At times, it may be helpful for a student
to meet with a counselor in the Counseling Center to discuss
any feelings or events that may interfere with the adjustment
process or satisfactory academic performance.
- More
demanding academic requirements and competition. Students
may quickly recognize that they are now competing with other
students who all were in the upper half of their high school
class. Many college students were able to do well in high
school without much effort or study and without developing
the learning skills (e.g. note-taking, textbook reading,
study skills) necessary to succeed in college. Students
who are under-performing may find it very helpful to take
one of the credit courses offered by the Counseling Center's
L.E.A.R.N. Program or
to seek individual assistance from professionals in that
program.
- Large
classes and less individualized attention.
In high school, students seldom have classes larger than
30 or so. During the first year of college, it is not unusual
to enroll in introductory (survey) classes that hold up
to 300 students or more. It is easy to feel disconnected
and unimportant. In order to counter such feelings, students
must be able to advocate for themselves. That is, they must
ask the professor questions in class or during office hours
and they must take advantage of graduate assistants for
additional help.
- Registering
for classes and choosing a major. It
is also the student's responsibility to meet with his or
her advisor on a regular basis to determine the courses
necessary for the next semester in order to remain in "good
standing" and to register appropriately for the following
semester's classes. If a student is unsure about a major
or career direction, he or she should speak with a career
counselor. The majority of students either do not know what
major to pursue when they initially enroll in college or
they change majors at least once during their college career
as they learn more about themselves and their true interests,
values and abilities.
- Time
management. In high school, most
students spend nearly 35 hours each week in class. In college,
they may spend 12 - 17 hours in class. Some days, they may
not even have any classes. These periods of non-class time
during the day (and evening) can easily be spent in a variety
of non-academic activities. Many students are not aware
of the general guideline that, for every hour of class time,
a student should spend approximately two hours studying
and completing assignments and projects. In order to perform
well academically and also have time for socializing, exercising,
and leisure activity, both time management and organizational
skills are critical. The Counseling Center offers workshops
and individual counseling, which address issues of time
management, effective decision-making and other personal
issues.
- Feeling
overwhelmed by course work (constant studying for quizzes and exams, reading assignments,
completing projects and papers) and other responsibilities,
is not unusual and can lead to procrastination, which only
worsens the problem. Some students reveal perfectionistic
tendencies (i.e. unrealistically high self-expectations
or perceived parental expectations), which further immobilize
their efforts, add to their discouragement and impede their
effectiveness. Such issues (along with test and performance
anxiety) are frequent in a college student population and
may be discussed with counselors in the Counseling Center.
- Learning
to live in a world of differences (e.g. diversity of ethnicity, religion, philosophical thoughts
and beliefs, interests and values) may be one of the most
important developments during the college years. Students
are confronted with innumerable new ideas in their courses
and in their interactions with other students from very
different backgrounds. Students, at times, may feel torn
between remaining loyal to long-held family beliefs and
making decisions based on new information and consistent
with their own emerging values and goals.
Mid-semester…
As mid-semester
(and mid-terms) approach, relaxation and leisure activities
become more and more pre-empted by assignments, projects and
studying for exams. Academic reality sets in and feelings
of stress and tension may increase.
- If
a student has not already acknowledged it, this is the time
when he or she begins to realize that college requires more
work than high school, that time must be managed more carefully,
and that the learning skills necessary in high school may
no longer be sufficient. This is a time when self-discipline,
self-motivation, effective time management and learning
strategies are critical to academic success. The Counseling
Center's L.E.A.R.N. Program offers workshops and
individual assistance in these areas, in addition to its
credit courses.
- If
a student does not meet his/her own expectations (or perceived
parental expectations) on mid-term exams and papers, he
or she may become discouraged or experience feelings of
failure, guilt, worry, and loss of self-esteem. They may
begin to question their ability, their choice of a major,
or even their decision to go to college. Occasionally, students
develop maladaptive coping strategies in response to these
feelings. They may skip (avoid) class, stay out late, spend
too much time socializing or on the Internet, develop poor
eating habits, or use alcohol or other substances. The Counseling
Center offers personal counseling
to learn more effective coping strategies and to explore
negative feelings, career counseling to explore appropriate
majors and career paths, and a Center
for Addictions and Substance Abuse for students who
may be abusing substances.
End
of semester…
The last
several weeks of the semester (particularly between Thanksgiving
and Winter break) typically are very hectic for students as
they work to complete papers and projects, and prepare for
final exams. Students often experience high levels of stress
during this time.
- Students
may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive to be an unmanageable
amount of work. They may attempt to study non-stop, stay
up late (or all night), neglect meals, or use alcohol, amphetamines,
or other substances to assist in relaxing, staying awake,
or providing energy.
- Along
with all of the academic expectations, there are holiday
expectations - socials, concerts, organization events, religious
events - all competing for the student's time.
- Maintaining
a balance, including sufficient sleep, proper diet, and
some relaxation is essential for optimal functioning at
this time.
Winter
Break…
Students
often have ambivalent feelings about returning home for a
few weeks. On the one hand, Winter break is a much needed
time for rest, a time to re-connect with high school friends
and family, and a time to "forget" the pressures
of school for a while. However, students who have been living
on their own for the past four months may wonder to what extent
they will need to return to more restrictive parental rules
and scrutiny. Several areas of conflict may arise.
- Students,
weary from the final weeks of the school semester, view
Winter break as a vacation, a time for relaxation. However,
parents often have other ideas, including plans for family
gatherings and family activities or chores that have been
"on hold" waiting for the student to return. They
may expect the student to take a part-time (or full-time)
job. It is usually best to discuss these issues prior to
the break and to re-negotiate expectations that are reasonably
acceptable to all.
- Students,
having lived with different rules and less oversight, and
having gained a sense of greater independence during their
first semester, often are upset when parents want to return
to high school curfews or to attempt to "control"
their comings and goings. These issues, too, need to be
discussed and negotiated in order to find a reasonable balance
between respecting their student's greater independence
and self-reliance, while continuing to maintain household
order and tradition.
- If
this is the first extended visit home since the semester
began, it may be during the Winter break that changes in
the student's beliefs, values, or appearance become more
obvious. During the past four months, students have been
introduced to a "whole new world" of ideas and
may be eager to share these with their families. However,
parents may view these as challenging long-held family beliefs
or values and these discussions can sometimes become sources
of contention. An approach which emphasizes an attempt to
understand, rather than to condemn, these changes often
will encourage more open discourse.
Spring
Semester: Returning to campus after Winter Break…
Some
students are thrilled to return to campus for the new semester.
They may have had a wonderful time at home visiting relatives
and old friends, resting and relaxing. They now feel refreshed
and "ready to go." Or, they may have been a little
disappointed by their time away from school (not enough rest,
family discord, too many rules) and want to return to their
"new home" where they have made new friends and
have more freedom. Still others may be more hesitant to return
to school after having had a chance to relax, with few responsibilities,
and having the attention of family and old friends. More times
than not, students have ambivalent feelings about beginning
the new semester. Regardless, the new semester brings new
challenges.
- Students
may be wary of beginning new classes and the academic demands
that will follow.
- If
their first semester was more challenging than they had
expected, they may question their abilities or even their
decision to attend college.
- They
may question or be unsure about their choice of major and
begin searching for alternative areas of interest. Career
counseling may be very beneficial at this time.
- Usually,
students settle down before long into the routine of college
life, attempting to find the proper balance between time
for studies, rest and relaxation, exercise and social life.
Spring
Break…
One of
the challenges of the Spring semester is making decisions
about Spring Break. Some students have the opportunity to
take a trip with friends rather than returning home. However,
this can result in the dilemma of "choosing" between
parents and friends, financial issues, and dealing with peer
pressures.
- Students
who decide to take a trip away from home, often are confronted
by parents who expected and wanted their child to return
home for a pleasant family visit. This can be a source of
contention between the student and his parents, and should
be anticipated and discussed in advanced.
- Students
who take a Spring Break trip with friends often are faced
with decisions regarding their behaviors, with prevalent
temptations and peer pressure to behave in ways that they
might not normally consider.
- If
students return to their parents' home for Spring Break,
it may be a good time to begin discussing the student's
plans for summer. Both the student and his or her parents
may begin worrying about finding a summer job or deciding
what they will do over the summer (remain in school, work,
take classes, return home), as they begin to cope with the
idea that they are finishing their first year of college.
Another
semester ends and summer begins…
As the
end of another semester nears, students again get caught up
in the work of preparing for final exams and final papers
(see end of semester above). Options for summer are many.
A student might decide to stay at school and take classes,
stay at school and work, return home and work, return home
and "just relax," or take some time to travel. Often,
the decision about working full-time, part-time or not at
all, is determined by financial need. However, students also
may wish to seek work experience in a job or an internship
related to their major or career choice (USF's Career Center
can assist students in this effort). As with every prior phase
of the first year, students and their parents are presented
with issues and challenges. Students and their parents should
begin exploring and discussing these options early in the
Spring semester.
- Students
considering a return to their parents' home for the summer,
or just for a break before summer term, may again be reluctant
to give up their greater independence and become concerned
that their parents will try to "control" their
lives, set curfews, or harbor expectations different from
their own regarding their summer activities. As before,
these issues are best discussed prior to (or immediately
upon) the student's return.
- If
a student did not perform as well academically as he or
she had hoped (or believe their parents had hoped), there
may be a sense of guilt or dread regarding the disappointment
their parents may express when grades arrive.
- When
students decide to stay at school or to work at another
location away from their parents' home, parents may feel
disappointed or even hurt. Again, this decision should be
discussed, with intentions understood by both the student
and parents.
- Students
who enroll in summer school need to adjust to the rapid
pace of course content (15 weeks of material in 6 or 10
weeks). Whether at home, in an apartment, or in a residence
hall, the intense nature of summer sessions (amount of time
in class for each course and the amount of time required
out of class) often surprises students and requires an adjustment
from the usual school year.
What
Parents Can Do
Parents
of first time in college freshman can play an important role
in facilitating the adjustment of their new college student
during this significant period of transition and, in so doing,
can facilitate their own adjustment as well. The following
guidelines may be helpful in this process.
Be
involved. Long before your son
or daughter begins school, it is helpful to be involved in
his or her college selection process and to attend orientation
sessions to familiarize new students and their parents about
the requirements, expectations, resources, programs and services
available at USF. This involvement demonstrates interest and
provides emotional support for the student, who is about to
begin an exciting and challenging new chapter in his or her
life. It also familiarizes parents with campus resources that
are available to assist students with specific concerns or
issues that may arise during the college years.
Maintain
open communication. Throughout the college selection process and continuing through
his or her years at USF, ongoing communication is very helpful
for both the parents and the student. Modern technology certainly
has facilitated this, with e-mail and instant messaging allowing
timely and frequent contacts regardless of physical distance
between parent and child. However, actually hearing each other's
voice on a telephone sometimes can be reassuring, and occasional
visits (to the school by parents or trips home by the student)
offer opportunities to stay in touch and to "catch-up."
Early
(and ongoing) discussions about financial arrangements and
expectations often are critical. Who will be responsible for
tuition, room and board, textbooks, and other living expenses?
How much will parents be able to contribute and how much will
the student need to contribute? A student's contribution may
include scholarships, loans, savings, part-time and summer
employment. The Financial Aid Office can provide helpful information regarding
scholarships and loans, application processes, etc. The
Career Center may be helpful in locating part-time and
summer employment, cooperative education, and internships,
etc.
Discussions
about transportation (will a residential student take a car
to campus, who will pay for insurance, gasoline, etc.), frequency
of communication (letters, telephone calls, e-mail), frequency
of visits, and expectations about grades, leisure activities,
etc. also are important before and during the early days of
the first semester.
Throughout
the college years, the parent-child relationship can grow
into a gratifying adult-adult relationship by communicating
to the student that his or her growing intellectual development
and independence are valued and that the parent is receptive
to new ideas and interested in hearing about the student's
growing knowledge base and new perspectives.
Keep
the student informed. Students usually want to remain informed about what is happening
with their family and their community and typically appreciate
it when parents communicate this information. In fact, students
often resent it when parents "protectively" withhold
unhappy news (e.g. the death of a grandparent or a family
illness) in order not to upset them.
When
the student presents a problem or concern. Parents
can be most helpful by setting a tone of openness, interest
and support. Try to provide reassurance that feeling overwhelmed
at times is normal for new students learning to manage academic
demands and new personal responsibilities. It is important
not to be too critical or immediately forthcoming with solutions.
Students want to know that their parents are there for them,
but they also want and need to engage in the ongoing struggle
to define themselves, to become independent decision-makers,
and to learn from their own mistakes. This is an important
part of the college growth experience outside of the classroom.
Facilitative
listening and problem-solving. Often,
it is most helpful when parents refrain from being too quick
to provide or impose solutions. Making decisions for the student
deprives him or her of the important developmental task of
learning to live independently, learning to trust their own
decision-making ability, and learning from their own mistakes.
It also communicates a subtle message that the parent lacks
confidence in the student's ability to solve problems. Instead,
a process known as facilitative listening and summarizing
can be very helpful. Listen carefully; ask open-ended questions
(i.e. questions requiring more than a "yes" or "no"
response) about his or her feelings and perceptions of the
situation; summarize your own understanding of the problem
or situation and ask if that is accurate; "brainstorm"
about possible solutions and then explore the pros and cons
of each; encourage the student to choose one of the options
on the basis of this rational decision- making process; discuss
the necessary actions to carry out the plan; and express confidence
in the student's ability to resolve the problem or to overcome
an obstacle.
Recommend
that the student seek assistance from campus resources. Recommend
that the student see a counselor in the Counseling Center
about any feelings of anxiety, depression, or other negative
feelings or personal concerns that may be interfering with
his or her academic achievement or happiness. Encourage the
student to contact the Counseling Center's L.E.A.R.N.
Program to enhance his or her learning skills, including
note-taking strategies, study skills, test-taking strategies,
time management skills, etc. Encourage the student to speak
with his or her professors or graduate assistants regarding
course issues, an academic advisor regarding course selections
and registration concerns, a Resident Assistant regarding
problems in the residence halls, or a career counselor in
the Counseling Center to discuss concerns about choosing or
changing a major.
Remind
the student to maintain balance. While
it is important to continue attending classes regularly and
keep up with assignments, it is especially important during
stressful periods that the student maintain a balance in his
or her life, including exercise, relaxation, proper diet,
and sufficient sleep.
After
the first semester. After the first semester (and again after the first year), it is
helpful to review and assess with the student what went well
and what might not have been as successful or fulfilling as
hoped. Best done within a problem-solving context (see above),
this can be a time to measure the distance between expectations
and outcomes and to determine new strategies. Students and
their parents may have had unrealistic or uninformed expectations
prior to the first semester. Now, they have a more informed
understanding of the requirements and demands, as well as
the opportunities and challenges, of the college experience.
With this knowledge and experience, academic, family, social,
personal and financial issues can be re-evaluated. Were costs
under-estimated? Did the student have difficulty with time
management or with study skills? Was the student able to locate
and utilize campus resources as needed? Might the student
need to develop greater self-advocacy skills in order to benefit
from available campus resources?
Summer. As summer approaches and the first year of
school comes to a close, students and parents may reveal very
different perspectives with regard to the nine months since
college began. For parents, this period of time often has
brought little change to their lives in the areas of work,
values, and belief systems. Friendships, family relations,
and day-to-day activities probably have remained much the
same, other than for the physical absence of their college-aged
son or daughter. In stark contrast, these nine months have
been a period of tremendous change for the student, who left
a world of familiar faces and places, and entered a whole
new world with new rules, new friends, new responsibilities,
new independence and freedom, and exposure to new ideas, beliefs
and values. Within the context of the parents' lives, this
period has been "but a moment in time." In the context
of the student's life, he or she has been challenged by new
experiences across many domains of life. These nine months
may have brought about the most rapid and significant changes
since he or she learned to walk and talk. They have grown
personally and intellectually and, likely, have developed
a greater sense of independence and self-reliance. It often
feels very gratifying for students whose parents recognize
and value their growth and individuation, their progress toward
adulthood and the efforts they have made to succeed in school.
When students plan to spend the summer in their parents' home,
it is helpful again to discuss and establish rules and expectations
that honor both the student's growing sense of independence
and the parents' life style and needs.
Parents
Have Feelings, Too
A child's
departure always has a major impact on the parent(s) and family
left behind. It is a time when families must explore ways
to adjust to a new configuration and parents must re-evaluate
their own relationships. This task may be especially difficult
if the college student is an "only" child or the
last child to leave the "nest", or if parents are
separated, divorced or widowed. In any event, parents are
likely to experience a host of ambivalent feelings, including
excitement for their son or daughter, a growing awareness
that "things will never be the same," feelings of
nostalgia for the "early years," and concerns or
anxiety about how their son or daughter will manage on their
own, without (as much) parental oversight and in an entirely
new setting, with fewer constraints and many challenges and
temptations. Parents often begin to reflect on the changes
in their own life, such as issues of "empty nest,"
growing older, relationship with spouse and, perhaps, taking
care of elderly parents of their own. When children begin
to separate and spend less and less time in their parents'
home, it presents an opportunity for parents to experience
some new freedoms as well. They may have more time to pursue
their own interests, rather than taking their child to music
lessons or baseball practice, overseeing homework assignments,
or waiting up on Saturday night to see if their child returns
safely before curfew. However, with this gain of freedom,
there comes the loss of a familiar family life, familiar roles
and responsibilities as a mother or father, and changes in
the dynamics of the family or the marital relationship.
Especially
when a child attends a distant school, visits often are infrequent.
But, regardless of the physical distance, the college years
typically are a time when students develop greater independence,
both emotionally and physically, and their times at home become
only brief "visits." For the parents and the student,
the other is no longer a daily part of their life. In fact,
it is during these years that students often begin to realize
that they "can never really go home" (few of their
high school friends are there, their families have changed,
their communities have changed, new buildings have been built,
the traffic is worse, etc.) and they begin to experience their
college residence hall or apartment as their home.
Vacations
often are bittersweet. Along with the joy of being together
again, reminiscent of earlier years, there often is a certain
sadness in knowing that things will never be the same, that
one's child has grown up and has a world of his or her own
apart from parents, and that their "child" is only
visiting.
The process
of "letting go" often is more uncomfortable for
parents than for their children, who are in the process of
developing new friends and new social and professional relationships
and identities. It can be a difficult challenge for parents
to find the proper balance between staying connected with
their child, remaining important and valued in their lives,
being protective, and retaining some influence over their
child's life versus encouraging responsible independence and
good decision-making through independent and critical thinking,
exploration of new ideas, and problem-solving. Students typically
want emotional support from their parents, but not unsolicited
advice or immediate solutions. It may be particularly uncomfortable
and confusing for parents when their student shares new ideas
that challenge long-held family beliefs and values. At times
it may be difficult for parents to understand how their son
or daughter came to entertain beliefs so disparate from their
own and they may even feel hurt or betrayed by their child's
path toward independence. It is important to remember that
the developmental years marked by late adolescence and early
adulthood are ones of experimentation, with new beliefs and
"trying on" identities to see how they "fit."
In this process of becoming an adult, it is not unusual for
an individual to make frequent shifts (sometimes subtle, sometimes
not) in their feelings, beliefs, and appearance, as well as
in the various groups with which they identify.
It is
important to acknowledge that the developmental tasks of both
the student and the parents may bring significant challenges
into their lives. Anticipating these challenges, remaining
open to honest communication with the student, talking about
your own feelings with the student, as well as with friends,
relatives, parents of other college students, or with counselors
can be helpful.
Counseling
Center Services
The Counseling
Center offers free, confidential services for all currently
enrolled students at USF. For additional information, click
on any of the following services:
Other
University Resources
A broad
network of resources is available throughout the University
community to assist students in adjusting to the personal
and academic demands of college. The array of student services
offered by the Division
of Student Affairs represents a major University investment
in the academic, personal and professional success of its
students.
Acknowledgement
Many
of the ideas presented in this guide were adapted from the
book Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College
Years, authored by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger,
and published by Harper Perennial, 1997.
Additional
Recommended Readings
- Don't
Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money. Helen E. Johnson and
Christine Schelhas-Miller, 2000.
- How
to Survive and Thrive in an Empty Nest: Reclaiming Your
Life When Your Children Have Grown. Robert H. Lauer and
Jeanette C. Lauer, 1999.
- When
Your Kid Goes to College: A Parent's Survival Guide. Carol
Barkin, 1999.
- Almost
Grown: Launching Your Child from High School to College.
Patricia Pasick, 1998.
- Empty
Nest, Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College. Andrea
Van Steenhouse and Johanna Parker, 1998.
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